Archive | March, 2011

Just wait

31 Mar

In the past, I have dealt with challenging times in my life by moving as quickly through them as possible. Sprinting through the flames with my eyes closed and my breath held so as not to be scorched. Unfortunately, rushing through the heat also leaves less time for the refining  process in the fire. I have missed out on the opportunity for improvement by rushing quickly through the painful parts. I don’t want to rush through this time.

Here I am in a position to receive from God. Standing wounded, dazed, yet hopeful and expectant for a new place in my life. This time I will not miss hearing from God and following His lead through this process. I have made mistakes and I need to start over, is that possible? God is for me, but I cannot run so quickly that I cannot hear that still small voice leading me and guiding me. I want to live free, full and fearless. This is my time to make it right, finally. I will wait, move slowly and won’t miss it this time.

I don’t want to be here again, so I will learn the lesson so as not to repeat the pain. I will see the hand of God in this process. I know He will lead me out and will restore all that the enemy has taken from me.

The nasty things

31 Mar

We have three bathrooms in our house. One is upstairs with the boys’ bedrooms. That particular toilet has been the source of much debate, accusation and plunging. So many foreign objects have been flushed down this toilet that we have had a liquid only rule upstairs. “Do your business downstairs.”

Recently we had guests over who didn’t know the liquid only rule and well you know – issues happened. So, tonight we tackled that bathroom. Rubber gloves, Oust, a Residential Toilet Auger and a plunger that looked like it could be a pogo stick for a small child.

With my eldest son standing at the door for moral support (the family contract worked, BTW) and the two little boys downstairs shouting encouraging words and staying out of sight, I waged battle. I am pretty sure there are batteries, some rocks and what might be a spool of thread lodged into the neck of our toilet. But, it flushes! The back of the toilet now sports this framed sign until we can afford a plumber, but for now – another small victory for the mom!

Independence, identity and the contract

30 Mar

Isn’t it ironic that my quest for independence is juxtaposed next to the quest of my oldest son to find his own? His quest seems to rear its head in the form of rebellion, anger and disrespect. I am shocked at times by these flashes of rage. Who IS this person?

I work with young people. I get their need to establish their own identity and understand that this volatile time in a young person’s life is grounds for some serious challenges. However, I find that the effort my son goes to “rage against the man” is illogical at best. He ends up punishing himself.

I am struggling to help my son find his identity, allowing him the space to create a life of his own and still keeping him safe and under some sort of parental leadership. Lord knows I have given up considerable ground. Looking the other way more than I don’t. Working with my “person” (code for therapist), I have established reasonable boundaries and guidelines for him. He continues to fluctuate between being tolerable, even loving at times, to being a belligerent, obnoxious fool of a person. If I am honest, I don’t like him most of the time. Heartbreaking.

Today I will present my #1 son with a contract for expectations. I am hopeful this might help. Empowering him to feel like he is in charge of his life. The next step is moving him to a facility, has it come to that?

I spent last night sleeping with my younger two sons in my room . Fearful that in a fit of rage my eldest, or a derelict friend, might actually hurt one of us.

Yes, it has come to that.

Step #1: The Yard

29 Mar

Creating a sense of HOME for my kids and myself is high on my to-do list. I am so grateful that the boys and I have a house to live in, that we are not in an apartment. We have a yard and bedrooms for everyone and space to LIVE. The first thing you see when you drive up to our house is a rundown yard. It bothers me. Has bothered me since we moved in.

For some reason I assumed that the yard was “men’s work” and our mediocre yard was a source of contention during my marriage. Silly, right? I am capable of keeping a lovely yard and garden. No more avoiding – action!

Last week the boys and I found some lovely branch loppers at Tuesday Morning for $8 on the way home from church. While still in my church clothing, I proceeded to cut the lower branches off of a large evergreen tree in the front yard. With the help of my two youngest sons, we trimmed and pruned until the tree lost its scary, burglary-enhancing shield from the street. I was careful, under the direction of my #3 son, to leave the branches necessary for climbing the monstrosity. We all have priorities.

This week, I will spread Moss Out on the grass and on Sunday we plan to rent a large power thatcher to prepare for over-seeding and patching. POWER THATCHER – that’s right. I will use that machine, whatever it is, to rejuvenate my lawn and reclaim some of my power. My boys will learn yet one more skill and hopefully, their wives will benefit because the lawn really is men’s work. 🙂

Why is this so important? From the outside in, I don’t want to give myself, my kids or the world the remote idea that running a house, working and being a mom is overwhelming me. My kids need to know that I have this under control. God is more than enough and we can do a better job than we have in the past.

A new life awaits

28 Mar

I have recently stopped filling my life so full that I cannot see straight all so that I can begin a journey… to actively find myself. The audacious, fearless, healthy successful person I was born to be, that I used to be. Before I “grew up”.

Did I mention that I am raising three teenage sons by myself? The oldest of which is and has always been a handful.

I just closed up shop on my competitive cheerleading business after 7 wonderful years. Last night was the final banquet. It was emotional, but good.

I no longer administrate the upper elementary youth ministry at my church. In fact, I go to a totally new church. I know not a soul.

After 7 years of very unhappy marriage to an emotionally unstable man, I asked him to leave on 12.29.10.

So many endings…

Today is 3.27.11 and it is the first day of a new journey of my life. I hope to document it here.

Maybe another will learn something from my journey. Maybe I will inspire somebody.

Hopefully, I find some therapy in penning my thoughts.

Here goes…

%d bloggers like this: