Archive | April, 2011

bad day

25 Apr

I am so embarrassed! I made a large mistake at work today and it will cost the company money. I feel like I am on top of things, but evidently I am not. How can I be this distracted all of the time? I keep thinking it will let up and I will resume my normal pattern of high-efficiency, accuracy and productivity.

I want to be normal again – whatever that means. Back to “my old self”. How do I do that?

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Good times

24 Apr

Yesterday a dear friend who also happens to be a gifted photographer took some family photos of us. She is the mother of 5 children, three grown, and carries a quiet strength and wisdom beneath her amiable exterior. Knowing that #1 can be a handful, she brought along her husband, a Godly and physically large man. 🙂 The photo shoot went well. The couple worked together in tandem oblivious to the peace they brought to the day and to my previously irritated son.

As I reflect I realize this circumstance has brought enourmous peace to my son before – a strong husband and wife duo. Selfishly, I am sad that I could not create this circumstance in boys’ lives. However, I am enormously grateful for my friends who can. God moments of provision – Father to the Fatherless. I hear you Father – I will continue to expose the boys to happily married couples. They need to see that it works.

Today is Easter. Thank you Jesus for Salvation! This morning as the boys hunted the 36 eggs I had hidden in the backyard, we were one short. Ugh! Of course it was #3 who forlornly carried his batch of 11 plastic eggs around the yard. #1 steadily at his side as encourager. I noticed my eldest son sneak into the house, snatch an egg from his pile and hide it in the backyard without his younger brother noticing.

As he shouted triumphantly for his brother to come to the other side of the yard to gather “his” twelvth egg, my heart swelled. He will be a good man – I know it. Father help me to have grace for this season.

Little victories

22 Apr

Every time I repair something myself, keep my checking account out of the negative, any small success – I celebrate. I am so thankful for each of these little victories. I am doing it. I am overcoming. God is still here even if I left my husband. His grace is bigger than a second divorce and I know He still loves me. Not just because the Bible says so, but because He walks with me everyday. I imagine Him smiling down at me today. I worship You Father. Thank You for loving me.

Good Friday – good to remember what Jesus endured so that we might have fellowship with God the Father.

35

20 Apr

Today is my birthday – 35 years. Ready for a new year, but also aware of just how much life I have lived in 35 years… too much! Time to slow down while still maintaining my energy and passions. Finding balance.

The Bible says that those without vision parish, so I guess it is time to establish my vision for the next few years of my life.

OK, maybe tomorrow.

Good Samaritans

19 Apr

On a whim I stopped to vacuum out my car after work yesterday. I pulled in next to a younger guy doing a full detail on his truck. We chatted as we cleaned. Then, for some crazy reason my car armed its alarm and locked the doors after I closed one of the doors. I was locked out!

I stood there with my jaw down, what the heck just happened? The guy sauntered over and checked the back hatch, nope locked. He went back to his truck to find a slim jim as I racked my brain for an idea. I was a few miles from home, wearing open-toed shoes, my purse, phone, keys and jacket all inside my locked car. After a few minutes of brainstorming this Good Samaritan offered to drive me to my house to get my keys. Now, do I trust this perfect stranger not to abduct me and with the knowledge of where I live? I quickly ponder my options – none and get into his truck.

He is a nice, young man from a small town nearby. He is very attractive… what? He is like 25. Am I seriously attracted to this cub? Does that make me a cougar? We make small talk – is he flirting with me? Seriously? Has he noticed that I am overweight and old?

I am grateful that I left the back door unlocked and quickly grab my spare keys and bound back out to his truck. He is shocked that I am that quick and impressed that I am so capable. Second time that comment has come from a single guy in my path. Is God trying to tell me something? 🙂

We get back to my car, do I offer him money? Shake his hand? Buy him coffee? What is the Samaritan etiquette here? I hop out, thank him profusely – he begins to stammer something about getting dinner. I make up a lie and close the door. Yikes! I am too old for navigating these waters.

25, really? But he was yummy…

The quiet

18 Apr

The boys are spending part of their Spring Break with their father. This leaves me with a few days by myself and the freedom to think, breathe and enjoy the quiet. It does make me miss them and appreciate the energy they bring to my life. It also reinforces my desire to create a peaceful home with pretty and interesting things.

I find that I do enjoy myself and being alone. It has taken me some time to find comfort being alone, but I know it is important. The quiet is the only place to hear God’s still, small voice. Sometimes the chaos in my life distracts me from my Father. I need to hear His love for me projected in that small voice.

Sometimes I forget to sit at my Father’s feet or lean back against his strength and just breathe. I am grateful for every moment alone and will push past the loneliness I feel at times. The peace I search for will come. I trust my Father’s Word.

Not quite ready for that

14 Apr

So a guy asked me out. Rather casually actually and I gather that I am not ready for even a casual dinner with a single male. What were the clues:

1. The bloody nose, 2. The need to confer with three others before crafting an email in response, 3. Devouring two large brownies last night

Whatever, I am not ready for casual dating. Little disappointed as I like male company – everything else that comes along with it makes me a little pukey.

No more hiding from it

13 Apr

I weigh 205 pounds. That’s a lot. Fifty pounds more than what is on my license. Normal for a 6’0″ male, but not so much for a 5’5″ female. It is time to start doing something about it.

Two-a-day’s. That’s right. Work out in the morning and then again after work. Nothing crazy, but sustained cardio to start my fat burners.

I have until 6/1 to reclaim my life before the next season officially begins and I don’t want to feel fat anymore. I owe it to myself to experience my life outside of an oreo-induced stupor.

There I said it. I came clean. Onward

Packing it up

9 Apr

Today I am packing up all that remains of my small business. Kind of sad to see it all become recycle fodder and donations, but necessary to move on with things and renew my focus on my family.

I am growing weary from the fight, but I am not defeated.

The ups and downs

8 Apr

Yesterday I enjoyed a wonderful outing as a field trip chaperone for #3’s 6th grade class. I was given three wild young men as my charges and it was a blast! I have forgotten how healing it can be to spend time with young people. They have energy, ideas and laughter untold – capture some of it!

I spent the evening fighting the teenager battle again. Believing for a good weekend and a potential visit to an outpatient counseling center for #1. Wish that I could remain in the place of enjoying my kids, without the outbursts and bouts with violence. Without feeling like they all hate me and conspire to turn me old and gray before my time. 🙂

In all honesty, I fight feeling like a failure – but if I have anything it is my Heavenly Father. I cannot walk away from the unquenchable desire He has for me. Even if I have failed as a mother, HE is for me and I will continue to fight the good fight of faith.

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