Archive | July, 2011


29 Jul

OK, so last night I went out with a male friend of mine. I have been clear to him that I am not interested in a relationship. We had a great time until about his fourth drink. Suddenly he turned into a twitchy, moody boy. Making comments about wanting to be with me. Have a relationship, blah blah. Ugh.

So my very fun night gets cut short. He leaves frustrated and lonely and I head to Dairy Queen. All such healthy behavior right?

This is my last free weekend before the boys return. Ready for both!


Keeping my head about me

28 Jul

The last 6 months have met me with an overwhelming, regular confirmation of God’s love for me. Not growing up with a father makes this realization something foreign to me. I guess I need the constant reminder of my value to Him. I don’t want it to stop. I never want to settle for less than what He would have for me because I forget how valuable I am to My Heavenly Father.

So, I am trying things again with Big Bear. I am keeping my head about me. Not getting too attached or too wrapped up into him. Allowing him to set the tone and pace and pursue me as he wishes. I don’t need him. I do want to give it time. I do love him. Crazy to admit that. But I can’t deny it. I am also setting a deadline. If I still feel odd about our relationship on 9/1/11, I will walk away. Not going to give him too much of my heart or time if it isn’t right.

I am keeping my head about me and allowing God’s love to heal me. Because that is the ONLY thing that can. I feel good.

The men in my life

27 Jul

The boys are still in CO. I miss them. Each has been sick of late (we don’t get sick). I imagine they hate being away from home (and their momma) when they are sick. And I hate being away from them when they are sick too.

I also feel the need to protect them from my mom. She can be so great, but gets resentful and tries to inflict guilt. I remember growing up and feeling like I was such a pain in the ass. I don’t want my kids to feel like that. This is the last year I do this. I am grateful for the break and the opportunity for my kids to know their family. Not worth it in the long run.

I can’t seem to let go of this guy in my life. He is afraid of me and the potential to be hurt. I think being in love with him is worth the potential future pain. Gonna take it much slower and guard my heart a little bit better.

Something new to sink my teeth into

26 Jul

After a couple of months of dismal boredom at work, I am finally starting to heat up. LOVE IT!

I am also ready to admit that I do want to fall in love and get married. SLOWLY with a VERY long lead time. It will likely be 5-7 years from now.  I guess that is something to sink my teeth into.

Off to my daily adventure!


25 Jul

My experience with husband #2 shook my confidence in my God. I can say that out loud now. I felt like in that relationship I followed God’s plan and tried to adhere to his ideals for marriage. It was awful and damaging to myself and my kids. I don’t think my ex nor I left the relationship better for it. I cannot say that I blamed God.

In a nutshell, I believe God will do the best for His kids. That He will work things out for the good. I guess I have gotten to a place where within myself I wonder if He will do it FOR ME. I am just being honest.

I prayed on Sunday for God to restore my confidence in my faith. To return me to a childlike faith in Him. I am grateful that He loves me like He does and I don’t have to fear that He will cast me down for doubting.

Like the Bible says, I am working out my salvation.

Humiliation is humbling…

22 Jul

So here it is. Reality check. Last night I made an absolute fool of myself. The man I thought I was in love with had a terrible day. Unfortunately, we bickered a little.

I felt bad and drove to his house to apologize in person, offer support and express love. Unfortunately, he was instead seeking solace with his ex instead.

Awfully painful, humiliating and enlightening. Oddly enough, I am grateful for it. I felt it within my gut that something was wrong. I ignored it – assuming it was my past making me fearful and untrusting. Silly me. I should always trust my instinct.

So, I was wrong. Life smacked me in the face – hard. I learned the lesson though.

Onward, more slowly. No more romantic emotions.


20 Jul

Went to karaoke last night at a local pub with some friends. Had a great time. I love women who are comfortable enough in their own skin to laugh, hoot, holler and for the VERY brave to sing in public. Two of my co-workers have some pipes on them – hey now. So fun to watch them sing and tear it down!

It is interesting that some people with marginal voices will also attempt the karaoke. I have never been brave enough myself, nor do I fancy myself a singer. But I always find it interesting when people who have NO singing ability will subject themselves to the karaoke crowd. Sometimes it works out for them – we certainly shouted encouragement for EVERY singer. Are they unaware or do they simply don’t care? I hope it is the latter. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.


A good friend

19 Jul

So, part of this year of blogging, slowing down and listening is to figure out who I am, what God has planned for me and what I want to do when I grow up. I happened to ask a very dear friend what she thought motivated me. Her response was well thought and direct.

Basically saying that I love to help people, driven by compassion, young people and coaching. She also mentioned a penchant for being inpatient (yup) and a desire to help the people I support to be independent yet an inability to effectively train them (the impatience again). She lamented that I am in a position where I excel, but for which I am over-qualified, simply by intelligence, not degree.

Hmmmm. I am grateful for friends who will thoughtfully answer a question like this. I am unsure what to do to move forward.


18 Jul

So, I had a blind date with a 40 year old man on Saturday night. He seemed to be a very pleasant man with a good sense of humor over the phone while we were planning to meet. That evening we had good conversation EXCEPT he actually said this sentence, “There is something you need to know about me. I am a spoiled little rich kid.”

Huh? Are you trying to impress me? I was ready for the check at that point.

We parted ways quickly, but I was gracious. This elicited a series of phone calls over a 10 minute period starting out nice, increasing in anger. Finally with him blowing up, almost calling me names and hanging up on me. Then, calling to leave me an apologetic voicemail.

Evidently, after purchasing dinner, he expected at least a kiss or hug or something for his “trouble”. Right then.

So, he has been deleted from my contacts and blocked from my email. Seriously?

Another time

15 Jul

I am going to try to tackle my weight and eating again. AGAIN!

I am currently 45 pounds over my goal weight. I am reading the Amen Solution book and thinking that his brain connection makes sense to me.

Wish me luck. Time to revamp my life. AGAIN!

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