Archive | August, 2011

Fire Engine Red

25 Aug

Right after I separated from my ex-husband, I died my hair a rather audacious shade of auburn with some striking blonde highlights. I have gone through several editions of this over the summer. I recently put in very chunky blonde highlights which was fun and gave me a very edgy look.

I went to my favorite hair dresser, LiLi. I told her I wanted to get rid of the wild stuff and just go straight red, similar to my natural. I have a wedding to attend with BB on Saturday which involves me meeting his family for the first time. I wanted to look as respectable as possible to make a good impression.

Somehow, my instructions to LiLi didn’t communicate. I left her shop with fire engine red hair. No, I am not exaggerating. I knew it was bad when my son’s 15-year-old girlfriend complemented me on it. Her hair is several outlandish colors on a regular basis. Great.

Because of the hue, LiLi didn’t want to try to repair the color. We were afraid I would get orange or pink. So, I am waiting a few days… sigh. I get mixed reviews from people. Some LOVE it, mostly men who find it exotic I suppose. BB was ambivalent. He loves me so he can’t be objective. It is bright. At times I think it is striking. Other times I look like my hair is on fire especially in the sunlight.

SO, I guess I meet the family with edgy red hair. I think I can pull it off.


Get it together girl

23 Aug

I had tickets to Little Big Town last night. I love these guys and country music in general. So, I was excited as I left work yesterday to meet up with BB for a night on the town with another couple.

It was raining so traffic was bad, I called and spoke to my #1 son and asked him to get a few things done before I got home to expedite things. I arrive home to find him making out with his girlfriend on my couch and NONE of the tasks complete or even started. I was angry.

I yelled for my #3 son to get ready for football, his response? “Today is Sunday, there isn’t football.” Ugh. He was late to practice. I quickly showered, throw my hair in some curlers and pulled on my jeans, boots and a cute top.

My hero BB arrives with his normal patience and calming effect. He has mixed up a batch of his famous margaritas, pours me one and then quietly goes to the kitchen to threaten (in a joking, but serious way) my #1 with bodily harm if I return this evening and the kitchen is still a mess.

I start to calm down until I realize that I have lost my keys in the mayhem of the last hour. We spend precious 15 minutes looking for them (ugh, really? where is my brain?) before grabbing the spare (no key fob) and heading out. I finish applying my make-up in the car and try to get my blood pressure and temperature to return to normal levels. BB instructs me to “suck that down” meaning my margarita. Which I happily do.

After two margaritas in the car, I am feeling a little tipsy and more relaxed. We arrive at the venue and there is a line wrapped around  the outside of the building. Ugh. Thankfully, my dear friends arrived early and have a table waiting for us. God love them. We pull into a parking garage and go to hop out. BB arms the car alarm from the inside and proceeds to shut the door…. UM HELLO we do not have a key fob to disarm that!

We try to gently shut the doors without setting off the alarm. It doesn’t work. Now the alarm is blaring inside the parking garage, echoing off of every last nerve I have left. 10 more minutes of monkeying with the car. BB disconnects the battery. We manually lock the doors and decide to deal with it later.

At the end of the night, the concert was fun. The venue was a bit hot, but a great evening. Do I bring this sort of drama onto myself somehow?

Deciding When To Have A Child, If Ever: The Impacts Later In Life

22 Aug

I got pregnant with my oldest son young: 18. I had two more sons quickly thereafter and found myself a divorced mother of three young men at the age of 24. I loved being pregnant, but my husband acted erractically during the pregnancies and they weren’t emotionally happy times in my life.

We didn’t share the milestones of pregnancy or infants together. I desire this so much. I don’t want to be 50 and wish I had “one more”. I am wrestling with this decision, prayerfully asking God to show me if I am being selfish or if this is a desire of my heart.

Deciding When To Have A Child, If Ever: The Impacts Later In Life.

Smart friends

19 Aug

Just had lunch with a very respected friend. She gave me so much to think about. What am I doing? Am I being silly to think that BB and I can make it through the most recent “episode”. Am I kidding myself that this was an isolated incident with extenuating circumstances? Have I become “that woman”? The one who is so dependent on a man’s attention that she sacrifices her self-respect?

I need some time and space to sort this all out.

If I was famous…

18 Aug

If I was famous I would be able to get away with more things.

  1. I could get as many tattoos as I wanted. It would be expected and I wouldn’t have to be so strategic about their placement.
  2. I could dress like I wanted – even if that meant wearing garish and outlandish outfits to work. It would never be called “unprofessional”
  3. Nobody would think twice about my two divorces.
  4. I could hire someone to keep track of my finances and NEVER have to balance a checkbook or pay a bill again.
  5. I could hire a personal trainer and nutritionist. Maybe drop this 40lbs quickly.
  6. I could stay up until 2:00am and get up at 10:00 and nobody would bat one eyelash.

Sometimes I feel constrained by society’s expectations of me. I know, I know. I have the freedom to do and be whoever and whatever I want. I could do all of these things right now if I truly wished. But, they don’t really fit into my life.

Now, what sort of talents do I have that would help me be famous? I can’t sing. I can dance, sort of. I have no acting ability that I am aware of. I am a chief organizer and communicator. I have no problem speaking my mind. Hmmm. I will have to keep thinking.

The power of boys

16 Aug

Midnight: my #1 son strolls down the stairs with his shoes and socks and jacket on and a Monster drink tucked into his pocket.

“What are you doing?”

“It’s hot in my room and I want to sit in the backyard.”  Right.

Funny. Does he think I am really that stupid?

“Honey, what are you up to? Looks like you are planning a late night sneak out adventure with your buddies.”

Denial. He leaves and doesn’t return until 8:00 the next morning. He’s almost 17. He is bigger than me. I cannot physically make him stay home. I can threaten all I want. Likely he will just continue to do what he wants.

So, the big ugly tree in the backyard? who gets to spend the day (likely a very tired day after being out all night) chopping it down? I came home to the ugly tree now a short stump, which will be removed this weekend and the branches in organized piles for the fire pit. No yelling, no fighting. He knew he was wrong – he didn’t argue. I got a task done.

Honestly, this isn’t the kind of parent I thought I would be. I probably would have scoffed at this story recounted by another parent in my younger years. But now? Raising teenagers is hard. You compromise and do what you can. All the time working to preserve the relationship while instilling values and boundaries with love.

It is exhausting, but I think we are making it.


15 Aug

I want to live with a forgiving spirit – always. I have seen the spirit of bitterness and unforgiveness destroy the lives and joy of my mother and grandmother (and countless others). I want to be strong enough to openly engage with others without punishing them for my past.


verb (used with object) grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve. give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.). grant pardon to (a person). cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies. cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

got my buns kicked!

13 Aug

I had a 5K last night. A small race, maybe 150 peeps. A few girlfriends and I. I haven’t been training, but I had no idea how bad of shape I was in. I got a blister on the back of one foot about 1/4 mile in. I walked 80% of that race. My time was between 40 and 41 minutes. FOR THREE POINT ONE FOUR MILES. Shameful really.

I signed up for a 10K in September. It is time to get real. Do I want to be an athletic woman or a fat chick? I need to decide because I can’t be both. I am sore today and I don’t think I could get my running shoes on my feet, but I am going to do something today to choose better fitness.



12 Aug

Sometimes I am shocked that I will bare my soul on this blog. But here goes…

My BB has been working nights. I received a text from him saying that he wished I was with him so he could get a little good sleep in before work. So, I ordered a pizza for the boys, got #3 a ride to and from football practice and made the hour drive to his place. I hate dropping in on people, but I wanted to bring some comfort and dinner to my honey.

He was surprised and disoriented when I arrived. He doesn’t wake up well. I planned to stay about an hour and then head home. He talked me into staying a while. Around 8:00, I heard a strange noise and the door to his loft slide open. In walked a blonde woman who introduced herself. “Hi, I’m the other woman.”


What a difference two days makes:

a girly moment

10 Aug

Each morning I awake with the knowledge that my God desires me and is restoring my hopes and dreams. He is giving me the desires of my heart – both by whispering them to me and also delivering them to me.

Each morning I awake with the knowledge that BB loves me and desires me too.

I am a happy woman.

I apologize for that girly moment.

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