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Get it together girl

23 Aug

I had tickets to Little Big Town last night. I love these guys and country music in general. So, I was excited as I left work yesterday to meet up with BB for a night on the town with another couple.

It was raining so traffic was bad, I called and spoke to my #1 son and asked him to get a few things done before I got home to expedite things. I arrive home to find him making out with his girlfriend on my couch and NONE of the tasks complete or even started. I was angry.

I yelled for my #3 son to get ready for football, his response? “Today is Sunday, there isn’t football.” Ugh. He was late to practice. I quickly showered, throw my hair in some curlers and pulled on my jeans, boots and a cute top.

My hero BB arrives with his normal patience and calming effect. He has mixed up a batch of his famous margaritas, pours me one and then quietly goes to the kitchen to threaten (in a joking, but serious way) my #1 with bodily harm if I return this evening and the kitchen is still a mess.

I start to calm down until I realize that I have lost my keys in the mayhem of the last hour. We spend precious 15 minutes looking for them (ugh, really? where is my brain?) before grabbing the spare (no key fob) and heading out. I finish applying my make-up in the car and try to get my blood pressure and temperature to return to normal levels. BB instructs me to “suck that down” meaning my margarita. Which I happily do.

After two margaritas in the car, I am feeling a little tipsy and more relaxed. We arrive at the venue and there is a line wrapped around  the outside of the building. Ugh. Thankfully, my dear friends arrived early and have a table waiting for us. God love them. We pull into a parking garage and go to hop out. BB arms the car alarm from the inside and proceeds to shut the door…. UM HELLO we do not have a key fob to disarm that!

We try to gently shut the doors without setting off the alarm. It doesn’t work. Now the alarm is blaring inside the parking garage, echoing off of every last nerve I have left. 10 more minutes of monkeying with the car. BB disconnects the battery. We manually lock the doors and decide to deal with it later.

At the end of the night, the concert was fun. The venue was a bit hot, but a great evening. Do I bring this sort of drama onto myself somehow?


Smart friends

19 Aug

Just had lunch with a very respected friend. She gave me so much to think about. What am I doing? Am I being silly to think that BB and I can make it through the most recent “episode”. Am I kidding myself that this was an isolated incident with extenuating circumstances? Have I become “that woman”? The one who is so dependent on a man’s attention that she sacrifices her self-respect?

I need some time and space to sort this all out.


15 Aug

I want to live with a forgiving spirit – always. I have seen the spirit of bitterness and unforgiveness destroy the lives and joy of my mother and grandmother (and countless others). I want to be strong enough to openly engage with others without punishing them for my past.


verb (used with object) grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve. give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.). grant pardon to (a person). cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies. cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.


12 Aug

Sometimes I am shocked that I will bare my soul on this blog. But here goes…

My BB has been working nights. I received a text from him saying that he wished I was with him so he could get a little good sleep in before work. So, I ordered a pizza for the boys, got #3 a ride to and from football practice and made the hour drive to his place. I hate dropping in on people, but I wanted to bring some comfort and dinner to my honey.

He was surprised and disoriented when I arrived. He doesn’t wake up well. I planned to stay about an hour and then head home. He talked me into staying a while. Around 8:00, I heard a strange noise and the door to his loft slide open. In walked a blonde woman who introduced herself. “Hi, I’m the other woman.”


What a difference two days makes:

a girly moment

10 Aug

Each morning I awake with the knowledge that my God desires me and is restoring my hopes and dreams. He is giving me the desires of my heart – both by whispering them to me and also delivering them to me.

Each morning I awake with the knowledge that BB loves me and desires me too.

I am a happy woman.

I apologize for that girly moment.

Bad news bears

10 Aug

Last night was the first night of football practice for #3. This season there are an abnormal number of kids in my son’s age group. So, the program chose to make three teams instead of the normal two. This meant that my son and some others were put onto a team with coaches they do not know.

My #3 tends to be very uncomfortable with change. I have been praying that this new coach was as positive and soft-spoken as his old coach. My first impression was not good. Of course, I didn’t share that with my son. After watching practice for two hours and keeping a careful eye on my kiddo – my impression began to change.

I watched my son be given the opportunity to play running back – he was beaming. He got to interact with his old coach and teammates during some conditioning and that made it OK. At the end of practice the coaches held an impromptu parent meeting. They shared their vision for the season – One Team, One Family, One Ship. I felt better.

I judged a book by its cover. The coach was older and had a lip full of chew. I immediately thought he would lack the passion and care of previous coaches. I just might be wrong.

Taking the high road

8 Aug

So, the boys were supposed to return home on Saturday morning. Their dad informs me that he cannot meet up halfway because he is having car trouble. My options are: driving the entire way (6 hours RT) to get them or to purchase train tickets for them myself. Of course, he cannot contribute to train tickets.

I take a deep breath and a few moments to think about the high road in this situation. I purchase the tickets for Saturday evening at 6:00pm. No problem. Gives me some extra time with BB and the boys don’t have to sit in the car for 3 hours.

Saturday at 5:00pm I receive a phone call informing me that they aren’t going to make the train because they are out on the river and could I call and change the tickets. I make a phone call and find out there is an add collect. I contact their dad say it is fine, but he will have to pay for the add cost.

At least the boys got to do something fun with their dad besides sit around and play video games. I get another evening with BB and not a big deal. Irritating, but not a big deal. Turns out that their dad simply had the Amtrak people put the add collect on my card. Cute. But, he will send cash with the boys. Right.

The high road. I have taken it so many times since our divorce. I never want the boys to feel the stress of having parents that can’t be civil and friendly to one another. I grow tired of being the parent and always footing the bill and doing the right thing. However, the greater issue is the boys, not me.

Lucky for me, they returned home. Ready to be at home. Grateful for the normalcy I provide, a clean house and an actual parent. This season won’t last forever, thank God. I will get through it. I am glad the boys are home.

Just be a dad

4 Aug

My children will tell you that they have never (maybe once) heard me disparage their father. We parted ways when the boys were 4, 2 and infant. Very sad, we were young. A second marriage for each of us has died as well. Over the last 6 months I have allowed myself to consider trying to reconcile with this man for the sake of my children. Then, there are times like last night that firmly reassure me of my decision so many years ago.

The boys landed in Oregon to visit their dad for a week on Tuesday. They are to return home to me on Saturday. Last night (WED) the dad called to ask if they could come home on Friday because that would be more convenient for him. Really? Hmmm, there must be a new girlfriend.

Issues stemming from my childhood make me fly into mamma bear mode when I feel like my children are in a situation where they are not wanted. I don’t want them to feel like they are a pain in the ass to the adults who are supposed to love them. So, of course, my first instinct is to hop into my car and run down there to rescue them from the situation.

A dear, very honest and tough friend of mine counseled me otherwise. Her sharp words left me stinging and teary. Afterward, I spoke with BB about the whole situation. Shockingly, his counsel was exactly the same without the stinging words. I love both of these people dearly and thank God regularly for placing each in my life.

After some tears, I allowed myself to read and fall asleep. Not changing my plans to rescue my children. But allowing them to cope with the situation – no danger is involved after all. So, I am headed out to celebrate my last few nights of freedom summer before the boys return to an excited momma.

last weekend

1 Aug

I had an eventful weekend. I feel like I am getting stronger, gaining self-control and self-awareness.

Friday night out with a girlfriend. Love her. She is in an interesting spot in her life. Struggling to find herself and make peace with her decisions. Painful to watch, actually. But, I love her and I am not leaving.

Saturday morning car show at work. Great fun, great people. I love my job.

Saturday afternoon headed to San Juan islands with my Big Bear. Seeing him in his element made me love him more. Such a great weekend full of sweet moments, laughs, beautiful scenery and affirmation of my love for this man.

As the day was ending on Sunday, the realization that this life I have been living with BB is a fairy tale hit me square in the face. The boys return this Saturday. Football season starts right away. My ability to take off for a weekend in the islands is rare.

Do I risk introducing the boys to BB? If I do, how soon? What if it doesn’t work out? I cannot put the boys in that spot again. Honestly, I am not worried that the boys won’t like BB. I am more worried that they will love him as much as I do and then it will end.


29 Jul

OK, so last night I went out with a male friend of mine. I have been clear to him that I am not interested in a relationship. We had a great time until about his fourth drink. Suddenly he turned into a twitchy, moody boy. Making comments about wanting to be with me. Have a relationship, blah blah. Ugh.

So my very fun night gets cut short. He leaves frustrated and lonely and I head to Dairy Queen. All such healthy behavior right?

This is my last free weekend before the boys return. Ready for both!

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