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Deciding When To Have A Child, If Ever: The Impacts Later In Life

22 Aug

I got pregnant with my oldest son young: 18. I had two more sons quickly thereafter and found myself a divorced mother of three young men at the age of 24. I loved being pregnant, but my husband acted erractically during the pregnancies and they weren’t emotionally happy times in my life.

We didn’t share the milestones of pregnancy or infants together. I desire this so much. I don’t want to be 50 and wish I had “one more”. I am wrestling with this decision, prayerfully asking God to show me if I am being selfish or if this is a desire of my heart.

Deciding When To Have A Child, If Ever: The Impacts Later In Life.

Forgiveness

15 Aug

I want to live with a forgiving spirit – always. I have seen the spirit of bitterness and unforgiveness destroy the lives and joy of my mother and grandmother (and countless others). I want to be strong enough to openly engage with others without punishing them for my past.

for·give

verb (used with object)

1.to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2.to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3.to grant pardon to (a person).
4.to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
5.to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

How do you get there?

2 Aug

Sunday night on the way home from the islands, BB and I were following a small sedan down a small highway. Suddenly the car veered off the road right into a light pole, shearing it off at the base and toppling it to the pavement. We pulled off the road and ran to see if the occupant was OK.

As soon as I saw the accident, a dark coldness gripped me and fear spread outward from my chest.

As I called 911, BB made sure there was no danger of fire to the car. The occupant was conscious, crying and slumped to her left. As I opened the car door to speak to her she said, “I wanted to hit it harder.” I asked if she hit the pole on purpose and she said yes. How do you get there? To that place when you lose ALL hope and want to end it?

As we stayed with her to await emergency services, she told me that she decided to kill herself because her fiance ended things with her. She was young, maybe late twenties. Moved with compassion, I held her hand and spoke to her about value and her ability to cope. Hoping to impart hope to this young woman.

She was complaining of back pain and seemed unable to move from the waist down. She had severe pain in her upper back, which was a good sign (pain).

As we drove away, my calm, cool demeanor diminished and I started to freak out. Fear gripped me again. I wanted to curl up into BB and let him protect me from the dark. I struggled for the next hour to get it under control before finally falling into a deep sleep.

I wonder how that girl Heather is. Was she OK? Did she get the mental health help she needed? Will she realize her value as a person is not caught up in the eyes of another? Wish I could talk to her.

Keeping my head about me

28 Jul

The last 6 months have met me with an overwhelming, regular confirmation of God’s love for me. Not growing up with a father makes this realization something foreign to me. I guess I need the constant reminder of my value to Him. I don’t want it to stop. I never want to settle for less than what He would have for me because I forget how valuable I am to My Heavenly Father.

So, I am trying things again with Big Bear. I am keeping my head about me. Not getting too attached or too wrapped up into him. Allowing him to set the tone and pace and pursue me as he wishes. I don’t need him. I do want to give it time. I do love him. Crazy to admit that. But I can’t deny it. I am also setting a deadline. If I still feel odd about our relationship on 9/1/11, I will walk away. Not going to give him too much of my heart or time if it isn’t right.

I am keeping my head about me and allowing God’s love to heal me. Because that is the ONLY thing that can. I feel good.

Confidence

25 Jul

My experience with husband #2 shook my confidence in my God. I can say that out loud now. I felt like in that relationship I followed God’s plan and tried to adhere to his ideals for marriage. It was awful and damaging to myself and my kids. I don’t think my ex nor I left the relationship better for it. I cannot say that I blamed God.

In a nutshell, I believe God will do the best for His kids. That He will work things out for the good. I guess I have gotten to a place where within myself I wonder if He will do it FOR ME. I am just being honest.

I prayed on Sunday for God to restore my confidence in my faith. To return me to a childlike faith in Him. I am grateful that He loves me like He does and I don’t have to fear that He will cast me down for doubting.

Like the Bible says, I am working out my salvation.

victory?

3 May

I was able to get in touch with #1 via a girlfriend of his. Asked him to come home for a meeting. We had a phone call with his dad on speaker. It didn’t go well. The conversation was frustrating on so many levels: 1. My son seems to be out of touch with reality (normal teenager stuff? – IDK). 2. His dad talks a big game, but isn’t able/willing to really do anything to help Tyler out. 3. My son blames me for most of the issues in his life (trying not to take it personally – I think I hated my mom at that age too).

After stalling for an hour or so, ranting about some “stolen” property he was sure his brothers and I took, my #1 donned his back-pack and stepped off the front porch. Back to homelessness.

An hour later, he knocked quietly on the door. Shivering and teary, he asked if he could come home. I guess homelessness and “freedom” isn’t as cool as he thought. A small victory – I guess. I don’t kid myself. I doubt this is our last bout with running away or violence.

Two more years… I can do this. Thank you Father for grace.

He’s gone

2 May

Last week was a blur. My #1 son became increasingly violent and angry. Pinnacle was an evening in the kitchen with him. He arrived home from “school” at 9:30 and wanted to eat dinner. I informed him that dinner was over and he needed to get to his room. He called me a name, shoulder checked me into the wall and then proceeded to scream at me. I grabbed ahold of him to get him under control and to lower his voice (his brothers were upstairs) and he picked me up and threw me against a corner wall.

As I knelt on my hands and knees trying to regain my breath and fighting tears from the pain spreading across my back and hip. I thought – OK, it doesn’t get better from here. From experience with his father, I know that once it becomes violent it only escalates. I rose to my feet and walked to the front door, opened it and told him he couldn’t stay here any more.

Maybe I overreacted about the dinner – should I have let him eat his dinner and get to bed without a word from me? Probably. The violence turns my stomach because I feel like we (his dad and I) taught him that. We gave him the gift of violence as a child while he watched us fight. I am not proud of this.

He knocked on my bedroom window at 1:30am shivering and asking to come in to sleep. I called his dad to strategize while he stood on the back porch in the rain. Ultimately, I let him in, told him he must stay in his room until I took him to school in the morning. I brought him to school, he walked in the front door and right out the back.

So, today is Monday. I haven’t seen my oldest son since Friday night. I called and reported him as a runaway. I feel guilty for being relieved at his absence. As the days go by – I grow more and more worried. I can only hope that he is uncomfortable enough to come home and try to be a part of this family.

Help me Father.

Good times

24 Apr

Yesterday a dear friend who also happens to be a gifted photographer took some family photos of us. She is the mother of 5 children, three grown, and carries a quiet strength and wisdom beneath her amiable exterior. Knowing that #1 can be a handful, she brought along her husband, a Godly and physically large man. 🙂 The photo shoot went well. The couple worked together in tandem oblivious to the peace they brought to the day and to my previously irritated son.

As I reflect I realize this circumstance has brought enourmous peace to my son before – a strong husband and wife duo. Selfishly, I am sad that I could not create this circumstance in boys’ lives. However, I am enormously grateful for my friends who can. God moments of provision – Father to the Fatherless. I hear you Father – I will continue to expose the boys to happily married couples. They need to see that it works.

Today is Easter. Thank you Jesus for Salvation! This morning as the boys hunted the 36 eggs I had hidden in the backyard, we were one short. Ugh! Of course it was #3 who forlornly carried his batch of 11 plastic eggs around the yard. #1 steadily at his side as encourager. I noticed my eldest son sneak into the house, snatch an egg from his pile and hide it in the backyard without his younger brother noticing.

As he shouted triumphantly for his brother to come to the other side of the yard to gather “his” twelvth egg, my heart swelled. He will be a good man – I know it. Father help me to have grace for this season.

Little victories

22 Apr

Every time I repair something myself, keep my checking account out of the negative, any small success – I celebrate. I am so thankful for each of these little victories. I am doing it. I am overcoming. God is still here even if I left my husband. His grace is bigger than a second divorce and I know He still loves me. Not just because the Bible says so, but because He walks with me everyday. I imagine Him smiling down at me today. I worship You Father. Thank You for loving me.

Good Friday – good to remember what Jesus endured so that we might have fellowship with God the Father.

35

20 Apr

Today is my birthday – 35 years. Ready for a new year, but also aware of just how much life I have lived in 35 years… too much! Time to slow down while still maintaining my energy and passions. Finding balance.

The Bible says that those without vision parish, so I guess it is time to establish my vision for the next few years of my life.

OK, maybe tomorrow.

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