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Deciding When To Have A Child, If Ever: The Impacts Later In Life

22 Aug

I got pregnant with my oldest son young: 18. I had two more sons quickly thereafter and found myself a divorced mother of three young men at the age of 24. I loved being pregnant, but my husband acted erractically during the pregnancies and they weren’t emotionally happy times in my life.

We didn’t share the milestones of pregnancy or infants together. I desire this so much. I don’t want to be 50 and wish I had “one more”. I am wrestling with this decision, prayerfully asking God to show me if I am being selfish or if this is a desire of my heart.

Deciding When To Have A Child, If Ever: The Impacts Later In Life.


Smart friends

19 Aug

Just had lunch with a very respected friend. She gave me so much to think about. What am I doing? Am I being silly to think that BB and I can make it through the most recent “episode”. Am I kidding myself that this was an isolated incident with extenuating circumstances? Have I become “that woman”? The one who is so dependent on a man’s attention that she sacrifices her self-respect?

I need some time and space to sort this all out.


15 Aug

I want to live with a forgiving spirit – always. I have seen the spirit of bitterness and unforgiveness destroy the lives and joy of my mother and grandmother (and countless others). I want to be strong enough to openly engage with others without punishing them for my past.


verb (used with object) grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve. give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.). grant pardon to (a person). cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies. cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

a girly moment

10 Aug

Each morning I awake with the knowledge that my God desires me and is restoring my hopes and dreams. He is giving me the desires of my heart – both by whispering them to me and also delivering them to me.

Each morning I awake with the knowledge that BB loves me and desires me too.

I am a happy woman.

I apologize for that girly moment.

Bad news bears

10 Aug

Last night was the first night of football practice for #3. This season there are an abnormal number of kids in my son’s age group. So, the program chose to make three teams instead of the normal two. This meant that my son and some others were put onto a team with coaches they do not know.

My #3 tends to be very uncomfortable with change. I have been praying that this new coach was as positive and soft-spoken as his old coach. My first impression was not good. Of course, I didn’t share that with my son. After watching practice for two hours and keeping a careful eye on my kiddo – my impression began to change.

I watched my son be given the opportunity to play running back – he was beaming. He got to interact with his old coach and teammates during some conditioning and that made it OK. At the end of practice the coaches held an impromptu parent meeting. They shared their vision for the season – One Team, One Family, One Ship. I felt better.

I judged a book by its cover. The coach was older and had a lip full of chew. I immediately thought he would lack the passion and care of previous coaches. I just might be wrong.

Just be a dad

4 Aug

My children will tell you that they have never (maybe once) heard me disparage their father. We parted ways when the boys were 4, 2 and infant. Very sad, we were young. A second marriage for each of us has died as well. Over the last 6 months I have allowed myself to consider trying to reconcile with this man for the sake of my children. Then, there are times like last night that firmly reassure me of my decision so many years ago.

The boys landed in Oregon to visit their dad for a week on Tuesday. They are to return home to me on Saturday. Last night (WED) the dad called to ask if they could come home on Friday because that would be more convenient for him. Really? Hmmm, there must be a new girlfriend.

Issues stemming from my childhood make me fly into mamma bear mode when I feel like my children are in a situation where they are not wanted. I don’t want them to feel like they are a pain in the ass to the adults who are supposed to love them. So, of course, my first instinct is to hop into my car and run down there to rescue them from the situation.

A dear, very honest and tough friend of mine counseled me otherwise. Her sharp words left me stinging and teary. Afterward, I spoke with BB about the whole situation. Shockingly, his counsel was exactly the same without the stinging words. I love both of these people dearly and thank God regularly for placing each in my life.

After some tears, I allowed myself to read and fall asleep. Not changing my plans to rescue my children. But allowing them to cope with the situation – no danger is involved after all. So, I am headed out to celebrate my last few nights of freedom summer before the boys return to an excited momma.

How do you get there?

2 Aug

Sunday night on the way home from the islands, BB and I were following a small sedan down a small highway. Suddenly the car veered off the road right into a light pole, shearing it off at the base and toppling it to the pavement. We pulled off the road and ran to see if the occupant was OK.

As soon as I saw the accident, a dark coldness gripped me and fear spread outward from my chest.

As I called 911, BB made sure there was no danger of fire to the car. The occupant was conscious, crying and slumped to her left. As I opened the car door to speak to her she said, “I wanted to hit it harder.” I asked if she hit the pole on purpose and she said yes. How do you get there? To that place when you lose ALL hope and want to end it?

As we stayed with her to await emergency services, she told me that she decided to kill herself because her fiance ended things with her. She was young, maybe late twenties. Moved with compassion, I held her hand and spoke to her about value and her ability to cope. Hoping to impart hope to this young woman.

She was complaining of back pain and seemed unable to move from the waist down. She had severe pain in her upper back, which was a good sign (pain).

As we drove away, my calm, cool demeanor diminished and I started to freak out. Fear gripped me again. I wanted to curl up into BB and let him protect me from the dark. I struggled for the next hour to get it under control before finally falling into a deep sleep.

I wonder how that girl Heather is. Was she OK? Did she get the mental health help she needed? Will she realize her value as a person is not caught up in the eyes of another? Wish I could talk to her.

Keeping my head about me

28 Jul

The last 6 months have met me with an overwhelming, regular confirmation of God’s love for me. Not growing up with a father makes this realization something foreign to me. I guess I need the constant reminder of my value to Him. I don’t want it to stop. I never want to settle for less than what He would have for me because I forget how valuable I am to My Heavenly Father.

So, I am trying things again with Big Bear. I am keeping my head about me. Not getting too attached or too wrapped up into him. Allowing him to set the tone and pace and pursue me as he wishes. I don’t need him. I do want to give it time. I do love him. Crazy to admit that. But I can’t deny it. I am also setting a deadline. If I still feel odd about our relationship on 9/1/11, I will walk away. Not going to give him too much of my heart or time if it isn’t right.

I am keeping my head about me and allowing God’s love to heal me. Because that is the ONLY thing that can. I feel good.


25 Jul

My experience with husband #2 shook my confidence in my God. I can say that out loud now. I felt like in that relationship I followed God’s plan and tried to adhere to his ideals for marriage. It was awful and damaging to myself and my kids. I don’t think my ex nor I left the relationship better for it. I cannot say that I blamed God.

In a nutshell, I believe God will do the best for His kids. That He will work things out for the good. I guess I have gotten to a place where within myself I wonder if He will do it FOR ME. I am just being honest.

I prayed on Sunday for God to restore my confidence in my faith. To return me to a childlike faith in Him. I am grateful that He loves me like He does and I don’t have to fear that He will cast me down for doubting.

Like the Bible says, I am working out my salvation.

Humiliation is humbling…

22 Jul

So here it is. Reality check. Last night I made an absolute fool of myself. The man I thought I was in love with had a terrible day. Unfortunately, we bickered a little.

I felt bad and drove to his house to apologize in person, offer support and express love. Unfortunately, he was instead seeking solace with his ex instead.

Awfully painful, humiliating and enlightening. Oddly enough, I am grateful for it. I felt it within my gut that something was wrong. I ignored it – assuming it was my past making me fearful and untrusting. Silly me. I should always trust my instinct.

So, I was wrong. Life smacked me in the face – hard. I learned the lesson though.

Onward, more slowly. No more romantic emotions.

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