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Deciding When To Have A Child, If Ever: The Impacts Later In Life

22 Aug

I got pregnant with my oldest son young: 18. I had two more sons quickly thereafter and found myself a divorced mother of three young men at the age of 24. I loved being pregnant, but my husband acted erractically during the pregnancies and they weren’t emotionally happy times in my life.

We didn’t share the milestones of pregnancy or infants together. I desire this so much. I don’t want to be 50 and wish I had “one more”. I am wrestling with this decision, prayerfully asking God to show me if I am being selfish or if this is a desire of my heart.

Deciding When To Have A Child, If Ever: The Impacts Later In Life.



15 Aug

I want to live with a forgiving spirit – always. I have seen the spirit of bitterness and unforgiveness destroy the lives and joy of my mother and grandmother (and countless others). I want to be strong enough to openly engage with others without punishing them for my past.


verb (used with object) grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve. give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.). grant pardon to (a person). cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies. cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

a girly moment

10 Aug

Each morning I awake with the knowledge that my God desires me and is restoring my hopes and dreams. He is giving me the desires of my heart – both by whispering them to me and also delivering them to me.

Each morning I awake with the knowledge that BB loves me and desires me too.

I am a happy woman.

I apologize for that girly moment.

Bad news bears

10 Aug

Last night was the first night of football practice for #3. This season there are an abnormal number of kids in my son’s age group. So, the program chose to make three teams instead of the normal two. This meant that my son and some others were put onto a team with coaches they do not know.

My #3 tends to be very uncomfortable with change. I have been praying that this new coach was as positive and soft-spoken as his old coach. My first impression was not good. Of course, I didn’t share that with my son. After watching practice for two hours and keeping a careful eye on my kiddo – my impression began to change.

I watched my son be given the opportunity to play running back – he was beaming. He got to interact with his old coach and teammates during some conditioning and that made it OK. At the end of practice the coaches held an impromptu parent meeting. They shared their vision for the season – One Team, One Family, One Ship. I felt better.

I judged a book by its cover. The coach was older and had a lip full of chew. I immediately thought he would lack the passion and care of previous coaches. I just might be wrong.

Keeping my head about me

28 Jul

The last 6 months have met me with an overwhelming, regular confirmation of God’s love for me. Not growing up with a father makes this realization something foreign to me. I guess I need the constant reminder of my value to Him. I don’t want it to stop. I never want to settle for less than what He would have for me because I forget how valuable I am to My Heavenly Father.

So, I am trying things again with Big Bear. I am keeping my head about me. Not getting too attached or too wrapped up into him. Allowing him to set the tone and pace and pursue me as he wishes. I don’t need him. I do want to give it time. I do love him. Crazy to admit that. But I can’t deny it. I am also setting a deadline. If I still feel odd about our relationship on 9/1/11, I will walk away. Not going to give him too much of my heart or time if it isn’t right.

I am keeping my head about me and allowing God’s love to heal me. Because that is the ONLY thing that can. I feel good.


25 Jul

My experience with husband #2 shook my confidence in my God. I can say that out loud now. I felt like in that relationship I followed God’s plan and tried to adhere to his ideals for marriage. It was awful and damaging to myself and my kids. I don’t think my ex nor I left the relationship better for it. I cannot say that I blamed God.

In a nutshell, I believe God will do the best for His kids. That He will work things out for the good. I guess I have gotten to a place where within myself I wonder if He will do it FOR ME. I am just being honest.

I prayed on Sunday for God to restore my confidence in my faith. To return me to a childlike faith in Him. I am grateful that He loves me like He does and I don’t have to fear that He will cast me down for doubting.

Like the Bible says, I am working out my salvation.

Need to move up

4 May

Outside of my personal life, this week has been especially trying at work. I work for a lovely company and wonderful people. However, I have been an “assistant” for my whole working career. I am good at it.

Getting pregnant young and not going to college has put me in this place. I need to go to school. I am not sure how I am going to make this happen – time and money. But, I NEED TO!

I cannot continue to be someone’s assistant for the rest of my career. I have to fulfill my potential.


3 May

I was able to get in touch with #1 via a girlfriend of his. Asked him to come home for a meeting. We had a phone call with his dad on speaker. It didn’t go well. The conversation was frustrating on so many levels: 1. My son seems to be out of touch with reality (normal teenager stuff? – IDK). 2. His dad talks a big game, but isn’t able/willing to really do anything to help Tyler out. 3. My son blames me for most of the issues in his life (trying not to take it personally – I think I hated my mom at that age too).

After stalling for an hour or so, ranting about some “stolen” property he was sure his brothers and I took, my #1 donned his back-pack and stepped off the front porch. Back to homelessness.

An hour later, he knocked quietly on the door. Shivering and teary, he asked if he could come home. I guess homelessness and “freedom” isn’t as cool as he thought. A small victory – I guess. I don’t kid myself. I doubt this is our last bout with running away or violence.

Two more years… I can do this. Thank you Father for grace.

bad day

25 Apr

I am so embarrassed! I made a large mistake at work today and it will cost the company money. I feel like I am on top of things, but evidently I am not. How can I be this distracted all of the time? I keep thinking it will let up and I will resume my normal pattern of high-efficiency, accuracy and productivity.

I want to be normal again – whatever that means. Back to “my old self”. How do I do that?

Little victories

22 Apr

Every time I repair something myself, keep my checking account out of the negative, any small success – I celebrate. I am so thankful for each of these little victories. I am doing it. I am overcoming. God is still here even if I left my husband. His grace is bigger than a second divorce and I know He still loves me. Not just because the Bible says so, but because He walks with me everyday. I imagine Him smiling down at me today. I worship You Father. Thank You for loving me.

Good Friday – good to remember what Jesus endured so that we might have fellowship with God the Father.

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