Forgiveness

15 Aug

I want to live with a forgiving spirit – always. I have seen the spirit of bitterness and unforgiveness destroy the lives and joy of my mother and grandmother (and countless others). I want to be strong enough to openly engage with others without punishing them for my past.

for·give

verb (used with object)

1.to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2.to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3.to grant pardon to (a person).
4.to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
5.to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

got my buns kicked!

13 Aug

I had a 5K last night. A small race, maybe 150 peeps. A few girlfriends and I. I haven’t been training, but I had no idea how bad of shape I was in. I got a blister on the back of one foot about 1/4 mile in. I walked 80% of that race. My time was between 40 and 41 minutes. FOR THREE POINT ONE FOUR MILES. Shameful really.

I signed up for a 10K in September. It is time to get real. Do I want to be an athletic woman or a fat chick? I need to decide because I can’t be both. I am sore today and I don’t think I could get my running shoes on my feet, but I am going to do something today to choose better fitness.

Onward!

betrayal

12 Aug

Sometimes I am shocked that I will bare my soul on this blog. But here goes…

My BB has been working nights. I received a text from him saying that he wished I was with him so he could get a little good sleep in before work. So, I ordered a pizza for the boys, got #3 a ride to and from football practice and made the hour drive to his place. I hate dropping in on people, but I wanted to bring some comfort and dinner to my honey.

He was surprised and disoriented when I arrived. He doesn’t wake up well. I planned to stay about an hour and then head home. He talked me into staying a while. Around 8:00, I heard a strange noise and the door to his loft slide open. In walked a blonde woman who introduced herself. “Hi, I’m the other woman.”

Speechless.

What a difference two days makes: https://justamomtoday.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/a-girly-moment/

a girly moment

10 Aug

Each morning I awake with the knowledge that my God desires me and is restoring my hopes and dreams. He is giving me the desires of my heart – both by whispering them to me and also delivering them to me.

Each morning I awake with the knowledge that BB loves me and desires me too.

I am a happy woman.

I apologize for that girly moment.

Bad news bears

10 Aug

Last night was the first night of football practice for #3. This season there are an abnormal number of kids in my son’s age group. So, the program chose to make three teams instead of the normal two. This meant that my son and some others were put onto a team with coaches they do not know.

My #3 tends to be very uncomfortable with change. I have been praying that this new coach was as positive and soft-spoken as his old coach. My first impression was not good. Of course, I didn’t share that with my son. After watching practice for two hours and keeping a careful eye on my kiddo – my impression began to change.

I watched my son be given the opportunity to play running back – he was beaming. He got to interact with his old coach and teammates during some conditioning and that made it OK. At the end of practice the coaches held an impromptu parent meeting. They shared their vision for the season – One Team, One Family, One Ship. I felt better.

I judged a book by its cover. The coach was older and had a lip full of chew. I immediately thought he would lack the passion and care of previous coaches. I just might be wrong.

Tree trimming

9 Aug

I have an issue with trimming trees. It is habitual. I derive some sort of strange satisfaction with trimming shrubs and trees. Coupled with that satisfaction is a complete lack of knowledge on how to trim trees. K typically start hacking away until the desired therapeutic level is met.

There is an ugly tree in my back yard. Almost dead, it is an eyesore and a reminder of the ex-husband’s lack of interest in our home. Last night as I prepared dinner on the grill, I decided to get the loppers out and take her down. Somehow, while cutting off a high branch I hit myself in the head with the handles of the loppers. I saw stars, fell to my knees in blackness and tried not to cry. My two younger sons were in the backyard with me. My youngest son does not like when The Mom is hurt or shows weakness.

Ice pack, the hammock and some time passes. I can finally see straight. I am embarrassed. Did I actually just take myself out with a lawn tool? Who does that?

Taking the high road

8 Aug

So, the boys were supposed to return home on Saturday morning. Their dad informs me that he cannot meet up halfway because he is having car trouble. My options are: driving the entire way (6 hours RT) to get them or to purchase train tickets for them myself. Of course, he cannot contribute to train tickets.

I take a deep breath and a few moments to think about the high road in this situation. I purchase the tickets for Saturday evening at 6:00pm. No problem. Gives me some extra time with BB and the boys don’t have to sit in the car for 3 hours.

Saturday at 5:00pm I receive a phone call informing me that they aren’t going to make the train because they are out on the river and could I call and change the tickets. I make a phone call and find out there is an add collect. I contact their dad say it is fine, but he will have to pay for the add cost.

At least the boys got to do something fun with their dad besides sit around and play video games. I get another evening with BB and not a big deal. Irritating, but not a big deal. Turns out that their dad simply had the Amtrak people put the add collect on my card. Cute. But, he will send cash with the boys. Right.

The high road. I have taken it so many times since our divorce. I never want the boys to feel the stress of having parents that can’t be civil and friendly to one another. I grow tired of being the parent and always footing the bill and doing the right thing. However, the greater issue is the boys, not me.

Lucky for me, they returned home. Ready to be at home. Grateful for the normalcy I provide, a clean house and an actual parent. This season won’t last forever, thank God. I will get through it. I am glad the boys are home.

A day off

5 Aug

I took today off. I had tickets to the drag races that have since been given away. I went to dinner with BB last night. I will admit it publicly I am in love with this man. Didn’t see that coming so soon. We are committed to each other and taking it slow. He gives me butterflies and bee stings and I can see myself with him when we are older.

Funny that thoughts of that with the husband causes me panic and stomach cramps, “trapped with him after my kids are gone”. Yuk

The nearest Starbucks to BB’s house is 10 minutes away, 10 minutes!!!! I love small town life and living in a rural community, but 10 minutes from an iced grande non-fat chai? Construction has started on a little corner shopping center about 2 miles from his house. Hopeful that a Starbucks will go in right there.

I love my job. I work for a great company. I have great bosses and co-workers. I used to be challenged and would skip into the office with a bounce in my step, work through lunch and stay late happily expending my brain cells and energy. Of late, I have been reduced to menial data entry and entry-level administrative work. I need a challenge! A new project to wrap my brain around. I don’t want to shout that too loudly as I understand the nature of our economy and the potential for cutting fat. But, I also hate that I am working beneath my capacity.  Funny post from fellow blogger: http://xanaxorrunningshoes.com/2011/08/05/dear-god-please-dont-let-me-die-in-this-cubicle/

The boys come home tomorrow. I am so excited to see them, but a little apprehensive of correcting the habits they have learned after a month with their grandparents. I am also secretly excited to introduce them (eventually) to BB. Don’t get me wrong. I am not that mom that drags her kids through relationship after relationship. I think I have found a match for US, not just me. And, I love that they might actually get to see a real man in action and learn from him by example. Is that wrong?

Just be a dad

4 Aug

My children will tell you that they have never (maybe once) heard me disparage their father. We parted ways when the boys were 4, 2 and infant. Very sad, we were young. A second marriage for each of us has died as well. Over the last 6 months I have allowed myself to consider trying to reconcile with this man for the sake of my children. Then, there are times like last night that firmly reassure me of my decision so many years ago.

The boys landed in Oregon to visit their dad for a week on Tuesday. They are to return home to me on Saturday. Last night (WED) the dad called to ask if they could come home on Friday because that would be more convenient for him. Really? Hmmm, there must be a new girlfriend.

Issues stemming from my childhood make me fly into mamma bear mode when I feel like my children are in a situation where they are not wanted. I don’t want them to feel like they are a pain in the ass to the adults who are supposed to love them. So, of course, my first instinct is to hop into my car and run down there to rescue them from the situation.

A dear, very honest and tough friend of mine counseled me otherwise. Her sharp words left me stinging and teary. Afterward, I spoke with BB about the whole situation. Shockingly, his counsel was exactly the same without the stinging words. I love both of these people dearly and thank God regularly for placing each in my life.

After some tears, I allowed myself to read and fall asleep. Not changing my plans to rescue my children. But allowing them to cope with the situation – no danger is involved after all. So, I am headed out to celebrate my last few nights of freedom summer before the boys return to an excited momma.

Movie and good company

3 Aug

I went to a movie last night with my son’s girlfriend. The boys are finally due home Saturday. She and I are missing them. In an effort to distract ourselves and commiserate, we went to a comedy. It was enjoyable. I like her. She was good company.

I am ready for my life to return to normal. Too long for our family to be uprooted.

 

%d bloggers like this: